America Trip, January 2015

I just got back from spending my January travelling around America. It most definitely qualifies as a "trip of a lifetime" level vacation, on so many levels!

I don't really know where to begin, and if I tried to write about everything that's in my head then this post would become insanely huge, so I'll keep it (relatively) short and simple. More of a quick synopsis and a showing of holiday snaps than anything else.

Asexy Solo Poly Adventures

The initial motivator for this trip was to meet up with two special online friends whom I have an (mostly online version of) asexual solo polyamorous triad with. I had already met one of them last year, and the two of them met each other before as well, but this was the first time we were all coming together in-person.

It all went amazingly well! So much so that I don't really have much to say about it right now. It doesn't really need analysis or (in the spirit of relationship anarchy) even a strong definition, it just is what it is. And spending time together in-person was great. We went road tripping around the Southwest, spent two days sightseeing around the Grand Canyon, and there was much great conversation, quality time, and warm and fuzzy snuggles!

Admittedly, the distance involved is not ideal. It would be great to be able to get together and do something like this more easily and spontaneously and often - say, a few times per year or so. But it's still great to have these kind of connections, even if they're going to be long distance and mostly-online things indefinitely. I've been looking at love through the relationship anarchist lens for a long time now, so it's getting easier than ever to accept each connection for what it is, and to cherish it for what it is.

Overview And All The Rest

Without getting too long-winded and prosaic, let's just say that my vacation was split into two parts: first the meeting above (from 3rd January to the 12th), and then solo travel from the 12th onwards. I flew in and out of Los Angeles, on the 2nd and 29th January respectively...

Being a bit of a train travel nut, I decided to cross the entire country by train, so I took the Sunset Limited from Los Angeles to El Paso on the 2nd, which is where I got off, rented a car, and went on to do the Asexy Solo Poly Adventure stuff for nine days. Then I rejoined the Sunset Limited in El Paso on the 12th and went down to New Orleans, arriving there on the 13th. After a few days in Nawlins, I rolled across to New York on the Crescent on the 17th - which completed my coast-to-coast crossing of the USA. Then I flew over to San Francisco on the 24th for a few days and took the Coast Starlight back down to Los Angeles, where I flew out the next day.

Overall, New York was definitely my favourite city in America, with San Francisco coming in a close second. By contrast, both New Orleans and Los Angeles felt like quite brutal cities - and although they were definitely fun to visit for a bit - I didn't get the slightest bit of curiosity about wanting to live there.

I spent the vast majority of the solo portion of my trip just strolling around and taking it all in. It's typical of my travel style (as well as lifestyle), which is a big part of why I liked New York and San Francisco so much - they are similar to inner city Melbourne in that sense. You can really do that there, friendly and safely. Other than that, I have to say I quite liked the food in America, especially at the casual diner level. 

So I'm back now, and easing into "normal" life again. Probably only starting work again later in the week, which is good. I didn't actually blow my budget with this trip or anything, so I'm not too desperate to jump straight into heavy hours right now.

Here's a smattering of holiday snaps. I didn't take my proper camera, so they're basic smartphone snaps, but some turned out pretty good I think.

Grand Canyon Sunset

Grand Canyon With Snow

Colorado River I

Colorado River II

White Sands, New Mexico I

White Sands, New Mexico II

French Quarter, New Orleans

Mississippi Foreshore, New Orleans

Backstreets Of New Orleans

"Huge Ass Beers"

New Orleans Streetcar

Chrysler Building

Rainy Times Square

Empire State Building

Squirrel in Madison Square Park

One World Trade Center I

One World Trade Center II

The Last Column - WTC Memorial

"Monk's Cafe" from Seinfeld

Colourful Roofs - Lower East Side

Frozen Lake in Central Park

Jersey, Manhattan and Brooklyn Skylines, from Staten Island

View of Manhattan from Brooklyn

Brooklyn Bridge and Manhattan Bridge

Flying over the Rockies

Sea Lions in San Francisco

San Francisco I

San Francisco II

Bay Bridge, San Francisco

Sausalito, California

View of San Francisco, from Sausalito

Hollywood Walk of Fame

Distant Glimpse of the Hollywood Sign

Still At War With Labels

I'm still at war with the "demisexual" label. Scratch that - I've basically dropped it. I just changed the wording on my About page here to say "grey-asexual", because it's probably more accurate for me - being a general umbrella term. It's more general and less prescriptive.

Not that I don't still need a solid connection to be interested in getting sexual with someone - that part is quite accurate - but the part that's starting to feel inaccurate is how there isn't really a well-defined place or progression for sex in my relationships. I used to feel that once a particular kind of connection is in place, that I would then be much like a "normal" sexual person in that relationship (whatever that is?). But really, it's more like sex is just something that happens or doesn't happen in particular relationships, if it makes sense with that particular person or not. It doesn't define the relationship.

I think relationship anarchy might have affected how I look at all of this too. I've become quite used to the idea of "customised commitments", and generally taking each relationship for what it is - free from cultural and social norms that dictate which features that general social category of relationship should contain. I think this has helped me see that sex can have a different place in different relationships (both mine and others'), and that it can be quite a subjective thing what it means to people.

Maybe it's a bit flaky and misleading to talk about being on the asexual spectrum and being a relationship anarchist in the same breath - given that one is talking about inherent internal tendencies and the other is a set of values that can be taken up voluntarily and consciously, but I think this can be the name of the game a bit when you're discussing relationships. In fact, I'd say conventional relationship norms themselves often go with tendencies and orientations which are on the thick parts of bell curves of what people want to do with their lives, so I think quite a lot of this actually goes on anyway, even in "mainstream" relationship dialogue.

Not much has ultimately changed here. I guess I just find it more accurate to identify as a broadly "asexual spectrum person" than as explicitly demisexual, for what these labels are worth anyway.

What precipitated all this? A few online discussions I've taken part in lately, which were about the merits and drawbacks of labels. My current school of thought is that labels are far more useful when they're descriptive than when they're prescriptive - and this is where this little muse (and minor label adjustment) is coming from. I might have demisexual tendencies, but a more broad "on the asexual spectrum" label fits better, and it's more descriptive and general than "demisexual".

As I always say however - I think labels should be used sparingly and on a need-to-know basis. Overuse and overidentification is what seems to give them too much of a life of their own, and often make them too prescriptive and limiting.

Asexy Solopoly Adventures in Beijing

I just got back from an 8 day trip to Beijing! It was all organised relatively last-minute, so I hadn't gotten around to talking about it on here before.

Long story short: My long-distance special friend (the one mentioned at the end of this post long ago) was going to be there, so it was a good opportunity to see Beijing and surrounds, as well as to meet up with her.

Near my hotel.

This is actually the first time I've met up with another person who's on the asexual spectrum - and everything worked exactly as expected. We got wonderfully comfortable and affectionate with each other very quickly - and it stayed on a very comfortable asexy level, just as expected.

Now that I've gone home, we already miss each other, but then again - the original long distance connection is still there. It's mostly the head connection that matters, though of course it would totally be cool if we lived close enough to meet up for a weekend of hanging out and cuddles more often!

I've cultivated the Relationship Anarchist mindset for so long now that I don't really even ask myself cliché questions about where a relationship is going. To paraphrase some quotes I've read on Relationship Anarchy from other people: it just is what it is, it doesn't have to "go anywhere". There is no particular destination, the whole point of any relationship is simply to enjoy each other's company for what it is.

No doubt these customized commitments can be more "heavy" if you desire a higher level of practical "life enmeshment" with another person - but when the abstract head connection is 99% of what you're looking for in relationships, and you otherwise want to live a functionally single existence - it's all very easy and low maintenance.

Tiananmen Gate

The RA/solopoly adventures aside, the rest of the trip was mostly a classic "city break". We spent some time checking out the usual Beijing attractions: a daytrip to the Great Wall, hanging out at the Temple of Heaven, Summer Palace, etc. I also spent some time plodding around on my own, including checking out the Tiananmen area on June 4th. The security surrounding the square on that day was something else!

Here are some more pics from the trip. I didn't actually concentrate too hard on my photography while there. Most of it was done with my mobile phone camera in fact. I only took my "proper" little Nikon compact to the Great Wall and Summer Palace.

Kunming Lake, Summer Palace

Tiananmen Square

Tiananmen Gate

Great Wall at Jinshanling I

Great Wall at Jinshanling II

Great Wall at Jinshanling III

Great Wall at Jinshanling IV

Great Wall at Jinshanling V

Great Wall at Jinshanling VI

Temple Grounds at Summer Palace

Dragon Boat, Summer Palace

Late Afternoon at Summer Palace

Relationship Anarchy Revisited Again

It's been a while since I've blogged about this topic - which is a bit odd perhaps - considering that I've actually been involved in my first RA-based relationship in real life for the past few months! It started in October 2013 with a woman I met on OkCupid (let's call her "T"), and has been going awesomely well from day one and ever since!

I suppose the reason why I've had nothing particular to say is exactly this - the fact that it's been going very well! Theory and practice coming together in such a seamless way that there's been nothing much to say except - "Yes! This is working great! Just as expected based on theoretical RA precepts, and experience with Internet-based long distance relationships."

This relationship is totally stress-free and drama-free, and I think the main reason for that is that there are no expectations of it being anything "more" than it actually is. I'm convinced that this is where almost all relationship drama ultimately comes from - people having mismatched expectations of some sort - and then hanging obligations and demands on each other which are aimed at fulfilling those expectations. But when you keep these to a minimum and just go with the flow of what's actually working well between the two of you - it works well with minimal "work".

That said, it certainly helps that both T and myself are extremely independent people. Neither of us is keen on typical relationship "progression", in traditional relationship escalator type terms. Or finding a traditional "life partner" and "settling down".

Oddly enough, certain details of what's been happening lately actually mimic some of that relationship progression behaviour (eg. Staying over and cooking together, having our first weekend away together last weekend, etc) - but there's still no stress. And again, it all comes down to having no particular expectations. These things don't "mean" anything that measures up against some external notion of where the relationship is "going". It just is what it is. Everything is measured relative only to itself.

You can probably see now why I've had nothing particular to say about all this ever since it started. It's just been exactly what it's been, and it's been great! I suppose the only generalised lesson is that Relationship Anarchy WORKS! And it works very well.