The forums have been down for an upgrade for about two days now. I forget how much my morning Internet routine these days revolves around checking up on my AVEN threads and seeing what's new. Oh well, this has at least inspired me to post about something that's been on my mind for a little while - which isn't new at all as a concept on AVEN of course - but it might be interesting to others. That is, the "mind vs body" nature of asexuality.
Mind vs Body
When people first hear about asexuality, the first response from many is to ask something like "...but don't you get horny at all?" - basically implying that there is an obvious and unquestionable link between physiological sexual function and psychological sex drive. To get right to the point: this is basically what stands at the very centre of what asexuality is all about - it's a disconnect between these two things.(I should note: there are some people who identify as "non-libidoist" and/or their asexuality is reinforced by having a low to non-existent physiological sex drive, but for the purposes of this post I'm focusing on the "libidoist" type - like myself - which appears to be more common anyway.)
In simple words: our lack of interest in partnered sex has nothing to do with any lack of physiological libido, or lack of physical pleasure received from sex - rather, it is a disconnect between that and the psychological desire to bond with other people in a sexual way. Essentially, purely physical sexual function and desire for "partnered sex" are separate things in our minds, and not mentally integrated into an obvious whole like they are for most people.
So how does this work?
The best way to think of it (and this analogy only works if you're gay or straight - it won't work for bisexuals) is that all people look like sexual blank slates to you. Imagine being in an environment where everybody is of the gender that you are not attracted to. Even though you've still got a purely physical libido, it has nowhere to go, there is no one you want to share it with. So even though you might still physically get "horny", you simply shelve the thought of partnered sex.
This is - very roughly speaking - how the world looks to me in sexual terms. I don't see people in an inherently sexual way upfront. "Sexiness" is something that I've learned to see in people in a purely intellectual way, but for the longest time I couldn't understand why people carry on so much about it - it always felt like hype and exaggeration, until I was 33 years old and finally worked out that something is indeed missing from my picture.
All that said, there is another disconnect in the picture here, just to make things even more confusing...
Romantic vs Sexual orientations
I'm a heteroromantic demisexual. When I was a teenager, I started noticing girls (and getting crushes on them) at pretty much the same time as all the other boys did.
But here's the thing: there was never an immediate sexual follow-up to my crushes. All I ever saw, felt, and fantasised about was wanting to share a vague sense of closeness, love, and affection with them. On a physical level, the most explicit thoughts that would pop into my mind would be the likes of cuddling, kissing, sleeping together (as in literally), and generally being close and affectionate with each other. Sex was always something that sat far in the background - it was never any kind of primary driver or motivator at all.
Fast forward 20 years: this is still where I'm at.
As you can probably imagine - this was all very easy to conflate with a sense of moralistic sexual conservatism (and I just happened to be involved with girls from conservative cultures which reinforced the feeling that this is "normal"). This is the curse of demisexuality: behaviourally it looks essentially identical to simply being traditionally "moral" about sex, and waiting until you are in a serious relationship. When I was younger, I never gave this much thought, though at times I did indulge this sense a bit (in a morally "elitist" sense).
Linking the two
For out and out "romantic asexuals", there is no link between love and sex at all. Romantic relationships are ideally sexfree for them, but probably include all the other usual trappings of what's expected from romantic partners.
For demisexuals, and other people towards the grey-asexual end of the spectrum, it's a bit more complicated. Sex can become an important aspect of a romantic relationship (eventually), but it's not a primary driver, or a crucial component. This is the disconnect that makes demisexual dating complicated. As explained above, it's not so much a purely physical lack of sex in the relationship - it's the lack of shared headspace. A lack of shared sense of the importance of partnered sex as a component of romantically connecting with another person.
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