I pulled down my OkCupid profile yesterday. I'd made some interesting pen pals on there, but after 9 months, I finally realised that it wasn't going to lead anywhere in "dating" terms.
The basic problem with "dating" for me has always been that I fall outside the two major patterns that most people fall into in the modern dating world: those who are looking for casual (sexual) hookups, and those who are looking to settle down and marry.
1) The problem with the first one is obvious - I'm demisexual. So close to asexual that I might as well be asexual. At least at first and for a long time when getting to know a new person. This rules out any kind of casual hookup shenanigans.
2) I'm not actively looking to "settle down". I'm not even sure I want to ever move in and live with someone, let alone get married and have children. This has less to do with being on the asexual spectrum of course - plenty of highly sexual people also don't want these trappings of conventional relationships - but when the two are combined it must have really made some people wonder what the heck I was doing on a dating website.
Learning about being grey-asexual/demisexual has been both an incredibly liberating and an incredibly isolating experience at the same time. On the one hand, it's great to finally connect the dots and understand what's been driving me for these 34 years of existence, and why exactly I fall outside certain psychological patterns that the vast majority of humans seem to take for granted. On the other hand, there is a lot of overlap which is sometimes hard to deal with.
I went on OkCupid early this year with the idea that it should be fine. I knew I was different now, and I thought that this knowledge would help me navigate the dating world better than back when I thought I was "normal" but just vaguely broken somehow. But it's difficult. And the real difficulty isn't sexual or even practical per se - it's purely psychological. When you're driven by a totally different pattern of attraction, you simply give off the wrong signals. People expect a certain level of upfront sexual interest to accompany "romantic" interest, and when you simply don't feel this, you give off the wrong vibe.
agreed. thanks for writing this!
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing. I'm going through the same. I've had a similar experience with OKC and not sure to give up. Do you recommend other dating sites that may have demisexuals? Hope everything is well.
ReplyDeleteIn the last couple of years I've actually come back to OkCupid and had pretty good luck with it! I haven't blogged about this though, because it just happened quite slowly and naturally at the time.
DeleteBasically, I was just very open and upfront about being on the ace spectrum, and mentioned that I'm primarily looking for cuddle buddies and special friends, and not either casual sex nor a big-R "Relationship". And I ended up making friends which turned into that. Some eventually got sexy, some not, but either way, it has been a pretty good experience.
As much as it sounds like a cliche, I guess the best advice I've got is to just be yourself. It takes time when what you're looking for is a bit "different" in any way from the more common norms of the dating world - but it's the best way to eventually find people who click with you. Good luck! :)